Alphabetic Acronym Regarding Pain, Hopelessness and Depression.

Posted on by Kate Ball

An alphabetical acronym; another symptom of when a Black sheep, who can lead, but never fits in. This Crippling crippled is out of control. Devastated. Disabled, and down and blue. Depression would be an upgrade compared to how I feel now. I suppose I have to state the obvious: I'm an Elephant who stands alone in my empty room. I'm Fucked, with the situation I'm in. My Guts regarding my upcoming surgery  feel rather thin. I Harbor resentment when people say they understand.

 Ignorance is bliss. And people, have actually have the audacity to ask me if I want to be like this. "Do you even want to get better?" When all I can think about is all the things I'm missing out on.

 Jealousy, of which I have loads. I want to be able to have a job. Friends. A home.

 kateball. I wish I would have started my music career with a pseudonym but I didn't and it's too late now. Irregardless of my minor fame my depth of Loneliness breaks every scale. One of the worst things about being a disabled millennial is that no body has the attention span or experience to truly help or show that they care.

M is for moose knuckle. Had to lighten the mood. Your balls may be large but they're smaller than mine, because mine are huge.

Nothingness is fantasy I love to think of. Me suspended in darkness. In mid air. With no light. Nothing. To be a Christian nihilist is an Oxymoron on Oxycodone. Opiate epidemic I'm tired of judgement and lack of perspective that there are actually people who couldn't get by without them. Pain management is my sole purpose in life. It comes before everyone and anything else. I don't abuse narcotics and I'm only physically an addict. Hopefully my next surgery can help me change that. I want to feel feelings again. You have no idea how much one undergoes a personality change when they're living on a pain scale between 7 and 10.


Question. Is anything worth this?


Really, though. I feel restrained. I feel tied down. To a life of relentless pain, boredom, and hopelessness abound. Speaking of which, this Sadness is a sustain pedal stuck on full blown. It resonates endlessly and my ears are blown. Do you comprehend the Torture I'm drowning in? No matter how hard I fight, my disability absorbs me like quick sand. Uncertainty is hopeless and I'm unsure if it will ever end. I desperately need a Victory of epic proportion. You don't know the state I'm in because you never reach out. Be careful of judgement, because you're not immune to what people like me go through. Becareful what you wish for. Especially when you ask "What's the worst that could happen." Learning you're not immune to personal disaster and utter ruin derives solely from personal experience. And honestly? I hope you never get "it" or what I'm talking about. Also


Xenophobia is a very real thing; people hate the disabled. Because we look, feel, and act strange. The truth is, we feel like shit but are afraid to tell our friends. Because they'll judge us. Use us. To feel better about themselves, but always at a distance. We're always sick, and/or managing pain, illness, and expectations. I failed when trying to explain to my long gone friends who hated when I'd flake out. It wasn't because I didn't want to be there. It's because I couldn't. I have no control over 26 migraines a month. Let's see you make it to any social situations when you're too sick to even get up off the floor you wish you could mop.


You. If you made it this far you're wonderful. Thank you for listening. And lastly, one more thing: there's a lack of Zest, i'm restless, I'm tired of hiding.

The hardest part is admitting you need help, but don't have any resources on hand. I'm too afraid to even ask because all I've known since my accident is rejection.

Sincerity is not lost on me.

- kate ball

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