Stand Clear of the Closing Doors

Posted on by Kate Ball

New York is so over crowded that there's an incentive program to lighten the load on the L train.

Subway conductors get a minimum of six days paid vacation if they hit a human being.


You don't want to be responsible for another fare hike and be a statistic on a poster for another pointless MTA campaign.

Everyone has a moment, a bad day. You are entitled to yours and, if need be, an exit strategy. Maybe someone is breathing down your neck because you shoved yourself into an already over-packed train. Maybe it's because it's a quarter to four in the morning and you've been waiting over an hour for the elusive G.

No matter what the reason, it would be better to commit high treason than to hurl yourself onto an incoming train. Mostly because if you do, you'll literally fuck up everything.


New Yorkers concur unanimously in a study that never transpired that nothing is more rude than a train delay caused by your choice to prematurely expire.

If you choose to dart and hurl yourself onto an incoming train, before you do, MTA and every New Yorker would like you to know that you should go fuck your self for causing massive delays - please be considerate, maybe even a little creative -- and off yourself some other way.

There is really only one rule to enduring the rat race, and that's to never not jump on the tracks and fuck up a New Yorker's pace.


- kate ball